We have given you kids jokes and puns. Why not have some jokes for the older kids among us as well? Here are our selection of the top 10 retirement jokes, the best and funniest collection you will find on the web.

Do you like one more than others and think it should be ranked higher? Or do you absolutely hate one of them? Leave us a comment and let us know. If you know a better joke, please share it with the rest of us! You may just happen to find it among the top 10 next time.

Top 10 Retirement Jokes

1. Oops!

An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband. “I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?” He replies, “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”

2. Wrong Way!

An old guy in his Volvo is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his carphone. “Honey”, she says in a worried voice, “be careful. There was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the freeway”. “It’s worse than that”, he replies, “there are hundreds of them!”

3. Which Restaurant?

A retired couple had dinner at their friends’ house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went to the kitchen.

The two men were talking and one said, “We’ve been going to a new restaurant and it’s really great. I’d recommend it very highly.”

The other man asked, “What’s the name of the place?”

The first man thought awhile and finally said, “What are those flowers you send a woman you love? The ones with red petals and thorns?”

“You must mean roses,” he replied.

“That’s it,” said the man. He yelled to his wife, “Rose, what’s the name of the new restaurant we like?”

4. It hurts all over!

The retired guy goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I ache all over. Everywhere I touch it hurts.”

The doctor replies, “OK. Touch your elbow.” The guy touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain.

The doctor, surprised, then states, “Touch your head.”

The guy touches his head and jumps in agony. The doctor asks him to touch his knee and the same thing happens. Everywhere the guy touches he hurts a lot.

The doctor is stumped and orders a complete examination with X-rays, etc. He tells the guy to come back in two days.

Two days later the guy comes back and the doctor declares, “We’ve found your problem.”

“Oh yeah? What is it?” asks the retiree.

“You’ve broken your finger!”

5. Getting Better

A retired lady needed some extra cash, so she got a guitar and took some lessons. Then she learned some of her generation’s  favorite oldies.
Then she got herself hired by a nursing home to sing for patients by their bedsides.
After serenading one bedridden older lady, she got up to leave and said, “I hope you get better soon.”
The patient replied, “I hope you get better too!”

6. Retirement Study

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me … they were cramming for their finals.

7. What’s In A Name?

Four retired ladies are playing bridge.
One of them looks across at her partner and says, “I know we’ve been playing bridge every week for two years, but I can’t remember your name. Could you please tell me again?”
Her partner looks at her for a long moment and finally replies, “How soon do you need to know?”

8. Boarder

A retired man went to a doctor for a general check-up. The doctor told the retiree that everything was fine and that, in fact, he was”in real good shape for a man of 93.”

“That’s good to know because I’m getting married in two weeks,” said the retiree.

“Getting married! That’s wonderful! Who’s the lucky bride?” asked the doctor. The retiree replied, “She’s a 27-year-old bar maid I met at the local pub.”

“Only 27!” The doctor paused before he advised, “Then you will need some Viagra.” The man replied, “No way, I never take drugs of any type. It’s against my principles.”

The doctor took some more time before he responded with: “You are in good shape, but nevertheless you are 93. May I suggest that you and your wife take in a boarder?”

“Why a boarder?” asked the retiree.

“Well, you know, at your age,” winked the doctor, “you may not be able to do all the things a young woman would like a husband to do around the house. A boarder will be able to help.”

The retiree shrugged and said, “I guess you are right,” as he walked out of the office. A year later, the retiree, now 94, came back to the doctor for another checkup.

“How’s married life?” asked the doctor. “Amazing, it couldn’t be better. I should have remarried years ago.”

“How’s your wife?” asked the doctor.

“She’s doing fine,” announced the retiree, “and she’s pregnant.”

“Pregnant!” exclaimed the doctor. “I take it that you took in a boarder who has fit in quite well?”

“‘Yes, and she’s pregnant too,” grinned the retiree.

9. What Really Matters

A retiree said to his 80 year old friend, “It it true you’re getting married?”
-“Sure is.”

-“Have I met her?”
-“I don’t think so.

-“Is she attractive?”
-“Won’t win any beauty contests.”

-“Can she cook?”
-“Can’t even boil an egg.”

-“Is she rich?”
-“Rich? Heck, she’s so poor she can’t even pay attention.”

-“She must be great in the sack then?”
-“I haven’t actually found out.”

-“My God, man, why are you marrying her?”
-“She can still drive.”

10. How Do You Feel?

Two old guys from a senior center were sipping lemonade on the porch.

One asks the other, “Ralph, I’m 92 years old and even my aches have pains. You must be close to my age. How are you feeling?”

Ralph says, “Like a brand new baby.”

“No kidding! Like a brand new baby?

“Yep. No teeth, no hair, and wet diapers.”

 

Just retired? Try this retirement shirt from Amazon and wear it proudly!

I'm retired and you are not

Related