business millionaireDear [name],

Congratulations on your recent [Powerball/MegaMillions/Generic Lottery] jackpot win! How exciting to finally succeed after so many dollars were spent in fruitless attempts at getting rich quickly. Now that you’ve won you are a part of an informal fraternity of fellow winners. This prestigious company has a rather specific code of morals and a fine track record of declaring bankruptcy within a decade of their win. We’ve put together this guide to help you fulfill your destiny like so many that have come before. Read on to find out how you can most efficiently “blow through” your winnings — and don’t forget to enjoy the ride!

Sincerely,

[agent name]

The Powers That Be

Ways to Best Spend Your Lottery Winnings:

An Exclusive, Top-Secret Guide

Don’t Worry About a Budget

Hey, you just won millions of dollars! Of course you can upgrade from a 6-pack of domestic beer to Crystal champagne. While you’re at it you should really just eat all of your meals at 5-star restaurants so you don’t have to clean up at home.

Take that vacation you’ve been day-dreaming about during your workday for so many years. Actually, just go ahead and quit your job. You have a busy agenda, what with all of the traveling and shopping trips you have planned.

Keep a High Profile

What better way to protect your new fortune than to share all of your personal information publicly? Be sure to mention your mother’s maiden name when referring to her in interviews, tell everyone the name of the street you grew up on, buy a billboard to memorialize your favorite childhood pet and first car. None of those details will in any way put you at risk for identity theft, right? Basically just go to Lifelock.com and disregard all of the “good” and “expert” advice they give for keeping your identity protected and hope for the best!

Buy a Mansion

Every homeowner should have a bowling alley, indoor pool and movie room in their compound. Why should you be any different? How many rooms are you living in now? A good rule of thumb is to multiply that by a factor of five. If your realtor isn’t showing you homes that suit your new status, find someone new who understands that money is no object. Don’t worry about property taxes or upkeep, those things have a way of taking care of themselves.

Get a Makeover

That old wardrobe is for the birds. You’re going to need new hair, new clothes, new shoes and new accessories. Also, don’t be afraid to look into some cosmetic procedures like veneers or plastic surgery. You’re still you, but not really, so go ahead a become a whole new person with unnecessary medical procedures and expenditures on Rodeo Drive.

Transportation

The economy is not going to fix itself, so it’s really your civic duty to buy that Aston Martin for casual driving and you really do need a Rolls Royce Phantom (and a driver) for more formal excursions. Commercial airlines are for chumps, so it’s probably a good idea to pick up a personal aircraft. You can learn to fly it yourself, but there is a lot of Crystal and caviar you could be enjoying back in the passenger cabin if you’d just hire a pilot.

Keep Trying to Win the Lotto

Like a great athlete, you can never be content with a singular victory. Prove to the world that you’re capable of a repeat performance by sinking money into every lottery program you encounter.

Buy a Sports Team

This might sound counter-intuitive because professional sports teams are fantastic tax shelters (or so we hear). Somehow, though, those minor league teams always manage to hemorrhage cash, making them a perfect investment for you. Buy a farm team that feeds to your favorite professional team and you’ll probably get to meet some cool people you’ve only previously seen on television. If you have daughters don’t let them near the players; that’s actually good advice for the general public, too.

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