Taylor SwiftOnly 25 years ago, the average American household had five radios and was tuning into the Simpsons for the first time. Technology and media have come a long way, but heartbreak remains the same. In recent years, the web has allowed us to spectate celebrity breakups like never before. In some cases technology has fueled the breakups and let us know that they are never, ever getting back together…ever.

Donald and Ivana Trump

An ’80s power couple, Donald and Ivana had a multi-billion dollar estate to divide when they divorced in 1990. A People magazine article from the time, confirms that most people learned about the breakup via a literal front page newspaper story. (No instant updates via Twitter!) Most of the information about the proceedings themselves came from the lawyers, gossip columnists, or non-celebrity friends that shared with the press. The Donald was rumored to have had several affairs, according to the same article, while Ivana purportedly threw herself into plastic surgery and, when that failed, scoffed at multi-million dollar settlement offers. A year later, the Baltimore Sun revealed that she accepted $600,000 a year in alimony and child support, on top of an over $10 million dollar initial payout.

Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt

Jen and Brad were the darlings of the 1990s. Making up in looks and charisma what they lacked in business savvy, they quickly eclipsed the unlikable Trumps as the couple America loved to love. After seven years of posing tanned arm-in-arm on the red carpet, they released a joint statement saying, “…our separation is not the result of any of the speculation reported by the tabloid media.” Unfortunately, the media would prove to be cruel and persistent in proving that, in fact, Brad had leapt into Angelina Jolie’s arms before separating officially from Jen. The press junkets for “Mr. & Mrs. Smith” were certainly rife with speculation.

Taylor Swift and Joe Jonas

Joe Jonas learned a valuable lesson in 2008: don’t break up with Taylor Swift. During a purported 30-second phone call, he dropped the relationship. She responded with essentially an entire songbook trashing him; according to Zap2It three of her hits from the Fearless album can be traced to the split. She alludes to Joe in lyrics and told Entertainment Wise she enjoys hiding clues in her songs and watching the media guess which ex she is referring to. No matter which songs are specifically about him, they are definitely never, ever, ever getting back together. Except in memes in the comedy club of pictures that is the internet.

Katy Perry and Russell Brand

The only thing more insulting than a breakup call is a divorce text. On New Years Eve. Katy Perry revealed recently to the LA Times that her actor-comedian ex-husband shot her a text to end the relationship then stopped communicating with her. They’ve both spoken openly about the split on talk shows, Twitter, and following in Taylor’s footsteps, via a new song or two from Katy. This decade’s lesson: keep cell phones out of breakups or be vilified on the Top 40.

Cover photo from Flickr user Eva Rinaldi.

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